Private: The attack of DJ Man Bun (for the love of god, please share what lights you up)
A couple years ago, I met a really cute guy at a coffee shop.
(Well, okay, we matched on Tinder first, but we did physically MEET at a coffee shop, so it’s not a total lie.)
He was exactly my type: he had a great sense of humor, a sensitive side, an appreciation for spirituality, long curly hair he’d wear in a man bun. Plus another thing I won’t explicitly mention here, because my mom reads these.
Basically, he was great… except for one thing.
He was kind of extremely judgmental.
To be clear, he wasn’t a bad person. Just a smart, yet close-minded, dude with a 2-kool-4-skool-or-anything-else-for-that-matter attitude. As a result, you couldn’t really say much around him without feeling pretty damn judged.
Here are a few gems from him:
Tried multiple times to incorrectly mansplain a subject to me which, hi, I majored in
Told me that he really felt into rooms of people, because he was SO intuitive and in touch with his emotions, while I was more of a “calculator”
Asked me how many intimate partners I’d had, heard my response, and seriously asked me, “Um, so do you actually feel like you even know yourself sexually?”
Moonlighted as a DJ (that’s not judgmental, but, like…come on)
We lasted about 4 months, not counting the full year after that during which he continued to send me his shitty house music. Good times.
Why am I telling you this?
Well, it’s been years since DJ Man Bun and I parted ways – and I was pretty sure that he really was gone. You know, out my life and out my mind.
BUT…
I realized a little while ago I was still letting his (past) dismissive comments totally run how I did, well, everything.
And it was holding me back. Big time.
I triple guess every business decision to make sure it’s 100% logical, because I’m afraid if I go with my gut, people will think I’m an idiot.
I add tons of caveats and disclaimers to everything I write and say (“But I’m no expert, here!!”) so no one will call me out.
I don’t call myself intuitive, even though I know I am, just in case someone thinks I need to be brought down to earth.
I would unconsciously run his commentary through my head before I said, did, or acted on anything – putting it all through an imaginary test of approval from some imaginary dude.
He was in my brain like it was an underground rave, spinning records like the Todd Terje of limiting beliefs.
He’d play top hits such as, Yeah, That’s Actually Not How That Works, You Really Might Want to Research That More, or I’m Just Trying To Help You By Being Condescending (Four Tet Remix). The acoustics were great, but the effect they had on my mental health were not.
Okay… I know on a logical level that his dismissiveness came from the fact that he actually had an MASSIVE intellectual inferiority complex. I also know that if I was getting upset because I felt like someone was talking down to me, that’s an emotional thing I need to work on (i.e., not getting identifying with what someone else thinks of me).
It was never really him.
Still, I was letting someone who wasn’t even in my life dictate how to live it. I’m sure you can relate. We all do it, whether it’s with a parent, a friend, or some stranger who said something about our pants that one time.
This time, though, it was pretty hard for me to unsee.
I decided then and there that I didn’t want to let invisible hippies order me around anymore. How could I? That image alone is ridiculous.
So, I committed to sharing my lessons/intuitive hits, even when I think he might have told me it wasn’t “the right way.”
The results were NOT what I expected at all.
EXAMPLE #1: It turns out what I thought was my most controversial interest, Human Design, is actually a TOTAL HIT. It’s gotten a really warm reception from people, which is the opposite of what I thought would happen.
But people like hearing it from me because it’s coming from a place that’s so JOYFUL!
Friends who I was 99% sure would throw up in my face if I even mentioned HD have said things like,
“This was exactly what I needed to hear right now.”
Uh, what?
EXAMPLE #2: Last week I started sharing tips, lessons, and ideas that light me up that on my IG stories for the first time.
I’ve held myself back from doing this for years. I should just keep this to myself. People don’t want me on IG spewing advice. Everyone is going to ignore this, or worse, tell me I’m pretentious or annoying.
More people than EVER watched and responded to that story.
Some people really liked it and thought it was helpful. I got positive messages from people I had zero clue were even following me!
This is all to remind you that you, too, have a right to share what lights you up – even if you’ve been told you’re not qualified, no one cares, or it’s all been said before. Not only that, you could really be helping someone by sharing it.
Think of all the people who’ve helped you by sharing their experiences – your parent, your teacher, your favorite author, Oprah, the girl you follow who posts paleo pancakes recipes.
If they’d stayed silent your life wouldn’t be nearly as good, or as pancakey, right?
You’re really no different. You never know who you might help, just by sharin’ YOU.
Yes, there will always be critics. It doesn’t mean they’re right.
It is not your job to tiptoe around judgy people or someone who says you should be quiet because you’re not an eXpERt.
For now, all you need to know…
Your joy is awesome and adds value. Please share it. You rock.
With love + joy,
Ariana
*This does not apply to you if you are a Neo Nazi. Also, WTF, get out of here.