Please stop believing you have to be like this
Like the millions of The Wizard of Oz fans around the world, and many gay men in the 1950s*, I love Judy Garland.
She was Dorothy, and Dorothy was MAGICAL (if for her hair alone ).
But you know who, unlike me and a bunch of old queens, DIDN’T love Judy Garland?
Judy Garland
That’s because from the very beginning of her career in Hollywood – at just age 14 – Judy was told by executives at her studio, MGM, that she was a piece of shit.
They frequently told Judy that she wasn’t pretty, elegant or talented enough.
In fact, they said, she was fucking lucky to even be in Hollywood, and that they only kept her because of her killer singing voice.
Now, I’m sorry.
But you look at this ray of light and you tell me you see a plain or ugly person.
That’s right. You can’t. You. can. not.
The worst part? They said this because they were comparing her to the “standard” of her peers like Rita Hayworth, Hedy Lamarr, and Lana Turner who she looked, and was overall, nothing like.
Judy was a bright-eyed, bubbly, girl-next-door type, not a sultry starlet.
So they were like,
“Mmmmmmmmnope. Because you’re not THAT, you’re just not beautiful. Period.”
What?
Now, if you’re reading this, I think you’ll agree… that’s stupid. She was awesome.
Hardcore newsflash, though: We ALL do this.
No, not to 16 year old girls (hopefully. You’re not a monster, right?).
We do it to ourselves.
I mean, be honest. How often do you tell yourself that just because you are not beautiful/smart/talented/funny in a CERTAIN way that we are not those things AT ALL?
Because you’re not exactly like those people who get celebrated…
Or who people are jealous of…
Or who everyone tries to be like?
I know I did it, and I did it for a looooooooooong time.
For the first two decades of my life, I wasn’t what I thought I was supposed to be in order to be acceptable in any way.
I didn’t fit in growing up, especially not according to the Rules of Cool™ of the community I lived in.
I wasn’t chill. I was really friendly and talkative.
I wasn’t “cool.” I was nerdy.
I wasn’t blonde or baby-faced or big-boobed, which was the standard of beauty. I have an angular, ethnic look (“Are you [insert type of brown person here]?” = my most FAQ).
I was a Judy, but I thought Judys weren’t lovable, likable, or admirable.
Basically, I suffered a lot, because I continually chose to believe there was only one way to be good enough.
So, I kept trying to make myself a Rita… or a Hedy… or a Lana instead.
Unsurprisingly, it never really worked. Because we can’t be who we are not.
Sure, you can try. But that either means
1. Snuffing out the light that makes you happy to be alive by trying to fit into a box,
OR
2. Numbing yourself so you don’t feel the pain of inadequacy.
(BTW, Judy Garland tried to numb herself with substances for her whole life. Considering she died of a barbiturate overdose before the age of 50, I think we can count this strategy as… unsuccessful.)
It took me a long time, but I realized that there was room in the world for me to be my OWN brand of awesome. I became so much happier as a result… and now, I really do feel good enough even though it’s different than what I thought I had to be.
Oh, and as it turns out, a LOT of people – my friends, my coworkers, the guys I date – love the very things I used to think made me a loser.
They like my humor.
They like that I’m outgoing.
They like my “ethnic look,” and think it’s exotic.
The same thing happened to Judy. She was told she couldn’t be a true star, yet she ended up being just as well-known and loved as the other stars her managers compared her to.
And she did it by being UNlike them!
Yeah, Rita Hayworth is also famous. But to be honest, most people my age couldn’t tell you anything about her.
All I know is she was blonde
[EDIT 12/29/20: According to my mom, Rita Hayworth was not blonde. I think this proves my point even further.]
The point is, there is no “one way” of how to be in order to be liked (by others OR by yourself). Just because other people can’t see that doesn’t make it untrue.
Not when it comes to looks.
Not when it comes to personality.
Not when it comes to anything.
You matter not in spite of being different, but BECAUSE you are different.
You can only SEEM wrong when you think there’s one way to be beautiful, be loved, be cool, be worthy, be divinely put here by the universe.
And there just isn’t.
In the potluck of life, everyone brings something to the table.
Judy did… and so do you.
Love + joy,
Ariana
P.S. *If you didn’t know, an entire generation of gay men IDOLIZED this tiny woman. You know the phrase “A friend of Dorothy?” It was used as a code word for gay men to identify each other and it came from Judy. They felt her life story of hiding who she was to fit in perfectly mirrored their struggles of living as closeted homosexuals. So be yourself – because maybe you could become a gay icon???
P.P.S You probably will not become a gay icon. Be yourself anyway.