5 things that helped me when I couldn’t “let go”

A few months ago, I picked up a not-so-great habit.

Nothing unhealthy or dangerous – like drinking too much or smoking cigs or walking outside at 2:00am in thigh-high boots holding a sign that says KIDNAP ME PLS – but it really wasn’t great, for myself or for anyone around me. 

So, I drew a line in the sand. I let it go.

Just kidding!

I totally kept going back to it – for MONTHS after I drew that “line in the sand.”

(I mean, come on. Does the first part actually sound like a story from me? Where’s the narrative arc? The conflict? The drama? Please.)

If you can’t tell, I am not very good at letting go. Even if it’s obvious to me that I should.

Every time, I’ll go, “Come on, Ariana. You know this makes you so sad every time you do it. Your body doesn’t like it. Your soul doesn’t like it. Stop disrespecting yourself! STOP, WOMAN!” Then I’ll feel really guilty, weak, or ashamed (or like diving face first into a bag of Trader Joe’s whole wheat pretzel sticks.)

This time around, I was feeling all of it. Especially the pretzels.

If you have a hard time letting go of things that aren’t good for you (or go back to them), you know what I mean.

When we’re trying to make a break or make a change, there is so much out there that tells us we have to just take the leap and do it. Just do it! Just move forward! Simple, right?

Um, no. It’s often not. We can absolutely get there (I’m proof) – but sometimes it takes a little patience and work.

So if you’re having a hard time letting go of something right now, here are 5 things to know – which helped me get to the point where I could let go.

1. It’s not the thing, it’s you beating yourself up about the thing.

When we feel bad, it’s almost never the feeling bad that gets us really down. It’s the story we tell ourselves about the feeling.

The feeling you get when you do something that doesn’t jive with your mind, body, or spirit has no inherent “meaning.” It’s neither good nor bad – it’s just a compass.

It’s only bad when you TELL yourself it’s bad.

And when you tell yourself the feeling is bad, then you feel worse, then you feel more stuck, then you fall back into your habit (or use another thing) to make you feel better.

Bad cycle. Baaaaaad cycle.

For example: Let’s say you can’t let go of a bad relationship. Sure, the relationship is making you feel bad (that’s why you want to let it go) but then you pile on thoughts like…

Why can’t I let go?

If I was stronger, I would have let go.

X person and Y friend would have let go already.

A stronger person wouldn’t even STRUGGLE with this. They wouldn’t care.

Or, bonus meta thoughts like: They wouldn’t feel bad and beat themselves up like this.

See how that makes things a million times worse?

The key here: Just feel the feeling without making it mean anything. This takes practice, but it. changes. everything.

If you’re in a bad relationship that’s making you feel shitty, you can literally just say, “This makes me feel crappy. I feel crappy.” You don’t have to add a story about how you’re weak for not leaving, etc.

When you do this, you’ll be able to see a LOT more clearly and get out of both the shitty feelings and the habit itself faster.

On that note…

2. Remember: THIS HAPPENS TO EVERYONE.

I should really get this tattooed on my arm… because I need to hear it, like, every day.

One of the reasons it feels painful when we can’t let go is that we think we’re the only people who can’t do it.

We think everyone else is decisive. Stronger. More confident and totally cool with themselves.

Wrong. Totally wrong. So many people struggle with this!

You are not alone, and I don’t mean that like the cheesy “we’re in this together” emails airlines have been sending you.

You’re just not a loser for feeling this way. You’re human, and so are other people – even if you can’t see their struggles.

3. This might kind of be the way you’re designed to process things.

There are many factors in someone’s Human Design chart (or conditioning) that could lead to them having a hard time letting go.

For example:

• If you have the root center defined, but not the head center, you are going to get the signal to make a change from your body…. when your body has decided it’s ready. If you try to use “shoulds” on yourself or force a timeline, it’s going to feel really really hard.

• If you have an undefined spleen, you pick up on others’ fears… so you could feel really safe in a relationship/connection with someone who has a defined spleen, since it gives you a sense of grounding (even though you know the two of you aren’t a good fit).

• If you’re a split definition, triple split, or quadruple split, you’ll usually take longer to process things, especially big things like letting something go from your life.

• If you’re a generator or a projector, you might have difficulty letting go because you don’t feel you can trust the universe to fill that void.

None of these mean you were designed to be weak, but rather that this is a lesson came here to learn. This is just confirmation that hey – we’re all different, man.

(If you haven’t yet, I highly recommend learning a little bit about your design.)

4. Just because you can’t let go now doesn’t mean you never will.

You might not be ready… but that doesn’t mean you won’t be ready.

It’s good to learn from the past so we don’t repeat it – but don’t ever assume that you can’t create a totally new outcome. You are not doomed to repeat the same crap over and over again.

Accountants put a little disclaimed in their reports, along the lines of “Past results are not indicative of future outcomes.” And hey, if accountants are saying it, there’s got to be some logic behind this, yeah?

Things can change in an instant.

Hell, it could be tomorrow! You never know.

5. You just might not be ready (and that’s okay).

Maybe one part of you sees that you make a change, but the other parts aren’t on board yet.

Maybe your soul knows that there is one last thing for you to learn from this, and you haven’t quite picked it up yet.

Maybe the fear of letting go is stronger than the pain of holding on.

Whatever it is, something is not totally aligned for you right now. And I’ll tell you – it’s a WHOLE lot easier to let go when you feel aligned with your decision. If you want to let go because you think you should, but the rest of you is saying, “Whoa whoa whoa, now isn’t the time,” you don’t have to push yourself.

So if you are still stuck in…

• That job

• That relationship

• That overeating/under-eating cycle

• That nightly wine or beer

• That gossip habit

• That playstation addiction (I see you)

I know you might be struggling with something. I know you might be having a hard time letting it go. I know you might be feeling ashamed and pretzel-y, too.

Just know it’s OK if you can’t let go right now. So please, just go easy on yourself. 

In the meantime, I love you.

Love + Joy,
Ariana

P.S. Also, no, the habit was not pretzels. Although I do think it would be hilarious to deal with the guilt of overeating pretzels by… eating more pretzels. Just a glutenous cycle that never ends.